Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
