y did u give ur computer a hand job?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
