I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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