I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
