I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
