If i come over, it means nothing
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
