I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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