I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
