i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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