This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize