i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
