Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Brb crying the tears of my youth
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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