Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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