the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize