Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
This baby is an asshole
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
