i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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