my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
