but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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