just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
