My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
