He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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