It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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