Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
