when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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