Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
