so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
