i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
