We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
We need to rekindle our bromance
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
i think i just lost a toe
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
