Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
