i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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