I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
