Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
