Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
