You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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