there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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