could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
