I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
