im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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