she looked like the bat from fern gully.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
