I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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