chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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