How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
