i jhust puked up my retainher.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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