I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
3pm strippers are depressing
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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