Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize