at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
