Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
