so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
