Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
