My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
