took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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