Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
