I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
