I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
