watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
