In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
