I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
