Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
