I accidentally had phone sex last night
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
