Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize